Haikus, Part 3 and 4

I'm posting more of my haiku's that I wrote after Debbie passed away.

Season of Mourning:
She will always be missing,
Season without end.
 
These haikus are all arranged in the order in which I wrote them. They show my grief journey with all its twists and turns and ups and downs..


Celebration of Life Service
 
Life intersections,
People she has affected,
Four hundred attend.
 
 
Making arrangements,
Visiting cemeteries,
Things need to be done.
 


5-24-14
 
Twenty-fourth flowers;
Her birthday gift in each month.
Now what do I do?
 
 
I am haunted by
Words that were never spoken,
Things I should have done.
 
 
Stop kicking myself.
Let go the mistakes I made,
Then my grief worsens.

 
Thinking back a year,
Remember the beginning,
And my tears still flow.
 
 
Grief lessens with time.
I don’t want to feel less sad
About missing her.
 
 
Unexpected tears.
Waves of grief wash over me
And leave me broken.

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A North Shore finding.
Rock in the form of a heart,
Her love’s always here.
 
 
It was the hardest,
They came to take her body,
Taking part of me.
 
 
Other people’s cures
Are wonderful news for them.
Where was our wonder?
 
 
Prayers didn’t cure,
Why did God lead us to this?
And yet, still I pray.
 
 
How I got through it
One foot, then the other
In front of the last
 
 
Christmas without her –
Will be hard says everyone,
Like today’s easy.
 
 
Reminders of her –
Sad, but then I don’t forget,
So they are welcome.
 
 
I want to tell her
About something that happened.
But I can’t, she’s gone.
 
 
Images from a dream –
A bunch of yellow flowers,
Wish I’d taken them.
 
 
A hug, a walk by –
Dreams of the one who was lost
All coins have two sides.
 
 
The coin of our love:
Good times, tough times, all the time
You can still spend it.
 
 
Up there in heaven,
We’ll see each other again;
Happy to come home.
 
 
Hold her in my arms,
Feel her sleeping next to me.
Missing her presence.
 
 
She left, leaving me
Alone, adrift and afraid,
As I was before.
 
 
Thinking of places,
Spots that had meaning for her.
Scattering ashes.
 
 
It’s been long enough.
Should be over it by now.
They seem to imply.
 
 
A Valentine’s Day
I will visit her ashes
And think about her.
 
 
One year coming up.
The date she transitioned.
How will I react?
​ 

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Found in our back yard –
Wife and mother sends her love,
A Valentine’s heart.
 
 
In the darker hours
I question my decisions
And ponder what ifs.
 
 
Then feels like now.
It’s too vivid in my head.
Going through it twice.
 
 
​Unfortunately,
I’m living in the moment
Of a year ago.
 
 
Her greeting – “Debbie”
Final check on her cell phone
A strong sounding voice
 
 
Ashes to ashes
How can the world remain?
Dust to dust the end
 
  
The angel teacher
Watches over her students
Pushing for their best
 
 
Toothbrush sits alone
No partner in the holder
Silent reminder
 
 
Time’s perplexing pace
Slowly it quickly flew by
I’m still missing her
 
 
I gave her my best
Or so I thought at the time
Did she think that too?
 
 
Things I should have done
Hindsight’s twenty-twenty
Can’t see emotion
 
 
She meets her children
Miscarriages in heaven
Additional joy
 
 
It’s too depressing
Please keep your grief to yourself
We don’t like sad things
 
 
No how was your day
No conversations in bed
Loneliness instead
 
 
What would it be like
If you were here and alive
Makes me feel cheated
 
 
My pain doesn’t show
I walk alone with my grief
Appearing normal

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Season of After:
Grief’s just part of my story.
I am not there yet.

​Like I said, I'm not there yet. So, these haikus are really part of my mourning. But I felt that thematically they fit better in their own season as they are looking ahead. Envisioning what the future might look like did help me on my grief journey.

In the future I’ll
Think of her without regrets,
Recall her with joy.
 
 
See what lies ahead.
The last line of a haiku,
Visioning my future.
 
 
Alternate endings
For the Season of After
When I make it there:
 
-          I can be joyous.
-          I am not lonely.
-          And I am hopeful.
-          And God walks with me.
-          When I’m no longer defined
                 By my missing love.
 
 
 
 Afterward
 
Forever grateful:
Kindness, compassion, concern
Shown by so many.