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My father has entered hospice. He has been in so much pain for so long and while he wouldn’t choose to leave his family his body isn’t giving him that option. And so, the grief journey begins for my family again. Today is the 64th anniversary of my parents’ marriage. They built a wonderful family with five children (I’m the fourth), eight grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. I’ll have good memories of Dad, and I’ll eventually write about them here. For now, though I’ll just tell you about one. At some point Dad developed a fascination with frog sculptures. The backyard, the deck and parts of the house ended up being filled with frogs. When I was helping to clean the house on Saturday before he came home from the hospital I spotted frog on the deck that seemed fitting.  There’s a part that’s missing and won’t ever be back. And that’s going to draw our focus when we look at it. Someday we’ll be able to look at it and see and the good that still remains in our lives.
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 I'm posting more of my haiku's that I wrote after Debbie passed away. Season of Mourning: She will always be missing, Season without end. These haikus are all arranged in the order in which I wrote them. They show my grief journey with all its twists and turns and ups and downs.. Celebration of Life Service Life intersections, People she has affected, Four hundred attend. Making arrangements, Visiting cemeteries, Things need to be done. 5-24-14 Twenty-fourth flowers; Her birthday gift in each month. Now what do I do? I am haunted by Words that were never spoken, Things I should have done. Stop kicking myself. Let go the mistakes I made, Then my grief worsens. Thinking back a year, Remember the beginning, And my tears still flow. Grief lessens with time. I don’t want to feel less sad About missing her. Unexpected tears. Waves of grief wash over me And leave me broken. A North Shore finding. Rock in the form of a heart, Her love’s always here. It was the hardest, They came to take her body, Taking part of me. Other people’s cures Are wonderful news for them. Where was our wonder? Prayers didn’t cure, Why did God lead us to this? And yet, still I pray. How I got through it One foot, then the other In front of the last Christmas without her – Will be hard says everyone, Like today’s easy. Reminders of her – Sad, but then I don’t forget, So they are welcome. I want to tell her About something that happened. But I can’t, she’s gone. Images from a dream – A bunch of yellow flowers, Wish I’d taken them. A hug, a walk by – Dreams of the one who was lost All coins have two sides. The coin of our love: Good times, tough times, all the time You can still spend it. Up there in heaven, We’ll see each other again; Happy to come home. Hold her in my arms, Feel her sleeping next to me. Missing her presence. She left, leaving me Alone, adrift and afraid, As I was before. Thinking of places, Spots that had meaning for her. Scattering ashes. It’s been long enough. Should be over it by now. They seem to imply. A Valentine’s Day I will visit her ashes And think about her. One year coming up. The date she transitioned. How will I react?  Found in our back yard –
Wife and mother sends her love, A Valentine’s heart. In the darker hours I question my decisions And ponder what ifs. Then feels like now. It’s too vivid in my head. Going through it twice. Unfortunately, I’m living in the moment Of a year ago. Her greeting – “Debbie” Final check on her cell phone A strong sounding voice Ashes to ashes How can the world remain? Dust to dust the end The angel teacher Watches over her students Pushing for their best Toothbrush sits alone No partner in the holder Silent reminder Time’s perplexing pace Slowly it quickly flew by I’m still missing her I gave her my best Or so I thought at the time Did she think that too? Things I should have done Hindsight’s twenty-twenty Can’t see emotion She meets her children Miscarriages in heaven Additional joy It’s too depressing Please keep your grief to yourself We don’t like sad things No how was your day No conversations in bed Loneliness instead What would it be like If you were here and alive Makes me feel cheated My pain doesn’t show I walk alone with my grief Appearing normal Season of After: Grief’s just part of my story. I am not there yet. Like I said, I'm not there yet. So, these haikus are really part of my mourning. But I felt that thematically they fit better in their own season as they are looking ahead. Envisioning what the future might look like did help me on my grief journey. In the future I’ll Think of her without regrets, Recall her with joy. See what lies ahead. The last line of a haiku, Visioning my future. Alternate endings For the Season of After When I make it there: - I can be joyous. - I am not lonely. - And I am hopeful. - And God walks with me. - When I’m no longer defined By my missing love. Afterward Forever grateful: Kindness, compassion, concern Shown by so many. Haikus are a Japanese form of poetry consisting of 3 lines of 5, 7 and 5 syllables. I wrote earlier about having written some haikus as part of my grieving process after Debbie passed away. I’ve arranged the haikus into 4 seasons and will post them on this blog. This week I’m posting the first two seasons. Season of Before: Unknown blissful ignorance, The storm approaches. What I ended up writing for this section was not poetry, but stories of Debbie. I’ve posted some of these already as memories of Debbie. Season of Cancer: The disease defines our life, But kills only one. I’ve arranged the haikus in this section chronologically to tell the story of what happened from the first symptoms to the end. After the school year A trip up to the North Shore. Her shoulder pains grow. Tomorrow, come here. The doctor needs to see you. Worry, dread and fear. Doctor Meeting The scan saw something. Referred to oncology; They think its cancer. Grasping at Straws Just an infection, Take some antibiotics. My false fantasy. An implanted port, Pumping poison into her – Chemotherapy.  Before her hair goes
We take a family picture All in shades of red. It’s spread to her brain. Now they’ll do radiation And scare us some more. Tumor markers down. They are in the normal range. Cause to celebrate. Things are going well Optimism at Christmas. Gifts for her new hair. Detached retina, The beginning of the end. She doesn’t get well. Intensive Care Her whispered whimpers, A still ghastly echo of My silent sobbing. An everyday trip, Commuting to hospital, Spending time with her. Our hopes and dreams flee. Treatments are discontinued – We enter hospice. Took her to ER Not knowing her return home Would be in hospice. A Transition A hole left behind. On Saturday, as March ends, She passes away. Alicia and Carlos were married again on the last Sunday in August. Last week I put my toast into the blog. This week I'd like to give you some snippets of things that were happening and my reactions.
During the week before the wedding Alicia stopped by our house. She had two lists for us. One was a packing list of everything we needed bring with us on Sunday. The other was a timeline for the wedding day. Starting from setting up the venue in the morning and going through the clean up after the last dance at 10:30. It listed what was happening when and who was in charge of what. Is it possible that she's even more organized than Debbie? I got to meet Carlos' brothers on Saturday. I know that Carlos is a good man. When I met his parents in March for Wedding 1.0 I knew he came from a great family. Meeting 4 out of his 5 brothers reinforced that. Andrew and I arrived at the venue around 10am. The family of Alicia's friend Colleen Mans is there helping with the setup. By family I mean it was her parents, two sisters and one brother-in-law helping out with setup and takedown. They were fantastic. I think Deb Mans got sick of me saying thank you, but they deserved it. I decided not to bother taking any pictures since there was a professional photographer. One less thing to worry about. And by the way, having the timeline from Alicia really helped. I was able to focus on what I needed to do and to let the rest go knowing someone else was handling it. We got a bit of bad news prior to the ceremony when we found out my dad wasn't feeling well enough to attend. A bit of worry as he had to be pretty bad to miss this. But there was too much going on to focus on that. It had been raining that morning. Not a good sign when you're having an outdoor wedding ceremony. But by the time of the ceremony it was bright and sunny. They had sunglasses to give out as party favors. It was a perfect choice, almost everybody was wearing them while we were outside. At the start of the ceremony I got to walk the beautiful bride down the aisle. Unfortunately, the aisle was way too short and it was over quick. The ceremony alternated English and Spanish with a Lutheran pastor and a Catholic priest. I cried a bit, luckily I had put some kleenex in my pocket in advance. We had people from all over at the wedding; from around here and Argentina, from Colorado and Canada, from Massachusetts, Manhattan, Miami and Mexico. (Yes, as I'll explain, I doubled up on one for alliterative purposes.) I've always heard about Alicia's cousins in Argentina since she was young, so it was nice to meet one of them. Alicia's cousin Antonella is now living in Miami and was able to come up for the wedding with her husband. Lots of good food at the reception. Lots of dancing going on as well, including a father-daughter dance. I'm not a good dancer, but I enjoyed taking a turn on the dance floor with Alicia. This was followed by a mother-son dance. Carlos' mother started with him and then all his brothers took turns dancing with her as well. The dancing continued until 9:30 when the DJ announced the last dance and then the couple was leaving. They left, and everybody else just kept dancing. The shuttle driver to the hotel showed up at around 10:30 and said it was his last trip. That's when the dancing finally shut down. I have to get a good bottle of scotch for the DJ as my last to do for the wedding. So finally about 14 hours after leaving home Andrew and I arrived back there. We had to unload my brother-in-law's truck. He had brought all the gifts and other wedding stuff in his truck. (Thanks Scott.) Plus, we had a bunch of stuff in my car including leftover cake, cupcakes and a carved watermelon. A long and wonderful day. |
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